Finding a Soulmate for $1.85 a Word

Today, the Globe and Mail printed extracts from a book recently published by the London Review of Books - a collection of lonely-hearts ads printed in the magazine over the last couple of years, called They Call Me Naughty Lola. Far from the high-minded, serious adverts expected, the classified ads placed were overwhelmingly low-brow - and freakin' hilarious. Here's a selection:

You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds at Box no. 3321.

If we share a bath together I have to insist on wearing verruca socks. Woman, 36, still reeling from a school swimming incident in 1975 (six months of padded plasters isn't easy to get over). Box no. 3186.

These ads try too hard to be funny. Not me, I'm a natural. Juggling, monkey-faced idiot (M, 36). Box no. 5312.

I'm just a girl who can't say 'no' (or 'anaesthetist'). Lisping Rodgers and Hammerstein fan, female lecturer in politics (37) WLTM man to 40 for thome enthanted eveningth. Box no. 2498.

My other car is a bike. Eco-friendly bio-diverse M (29). Smells a bit like soil and eats too much soup, but otherwise friendly (you're not seriously going to put that burger in your mouth, are you?). Box no. 8563.

I am the literary event of 2007, or at the very least the most entertaining drunk on my ward. Please visit (Mon-Thurs, 5-7 p.m., bring chocolate, and gin). F, 41. Box no. 4365.

My animal passions would satisfy any woman, if only it weren't for the filibustering of this damned colon. And the chafing of these infernal hospital sheets. Write now to M, 83, for ward visiting hours and a list of approved solids. Box no. 2377.

Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not. Box no. 4002.

They call me Naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill beardy physicist (M, 46). Box no. 4023.

I want my mummy. Man (37) with far too many issues to go into detail about in this column seeks psychoanalyst/tailor/stevedore. Whitstable. Box no. 0566.

In a certain light I look like Robert Mitchum. In a certain light you look like Kim Novak. More usually I look like Shrek. More usually you still look like Kim Novak. Yes, you're very unlucky. Now pass me the Doritos and get over it. Box no. 3917.

My favourite Ben & Jerry's is Acid-Boiled Bones of Divorce Lawyer. The don't yet make it, but damn, I can taste its sweet, sweet ice-creamy softness already. Bed-sit-living doctor (M, 54). Box no 6321.

OMG! This magazine is the shizz! Seriously, dudes. Awesome! LOL! Classics lecturer (M, 48). Possibly out of his depth with today's youth. KTHX! Box no. 2680.

Skanger Me Banger

Some wag has taken that loathsome MTV programme Pimp My Ride, and cooked up an Irish version. In which young Damo, a denizen of Ballymun on Dublin's Northside, has various 'improvements' made to his vehicular conveyance.

They've called it Skanger Me Banger. BWA!!!

Finally

Well, this is more like it. Winter seems to have arrived at last - we're having one of those brilliantly sunny, absolutely freezing days today. We got about 6-8 inches of snow between Sunday and Monday, and today we're being blasted by an icy Arctic gale. The thermometer says it's -16°C out, but with the wind chill it feels more like -30°C.

I warned our newly-arrived Vietnamese trainees yesterday about the impending freeze - they'll have never experienced temperatures like these in their lives. I made sure they went out and bought warm clothing last week - one of them arrived to spend a winter in Canada with nothing heavier than a leather jacket.

As often seems to happen on the coldest days, the bus I usually take to work never showed up this morning (and obviously it was just too cold for me to walk). I stood outside in a partial shelter for half an hour before the next bus came along. My feet were like ice, even encased in big boots and an extra pair of socks.

Two Degrees of Separation

...between me and Jack Bauer. Yeah, that's right.

24 started again this week and we've been glued to the double episodes last night and this evening. I only just found out that Shaun Majumder - yes, he of CBC Radio and This Hour Has 22 Minutes - has a guest-starring role on tonight's episodes, as a terrorist nuclear-weapons specialist.

I actually went to university with Shaun. He was a seriously funny guy back then, too - always liked him (how can anyone not like a Pakistani Newfoundlander?!). Last time I saw him, it was 1994 and he was singing karaoke ("Bust a Move", if I remember correctly) in the college bar. And now here he is tonight, kicking literal and figurative televisual ass with Jack Bauer. Awesome!

Casino Royale

Went to the cinema last night, to catch Casino Royale before it leaves theatres for good. And it was well worth it - I thought it was the best Bond I've seen in years. I liked the 'back to basics' approach: nice solid storyline, and exciting (yet still plausible) action. One of my biggest gripes with the Bond films in recent years is that the stunts have grown increasingly more ludicrous, and the double-entendres cruder and less subtle - to the point where the movies were almost becoming parodies of themselves.

Oh, and Daniel Craig was great as the new Bond. I wasn't too sure about him at first; I'd seen Craig in quite a few things before, and couldn't quite picture him in the Bond role. But he was excellent - I'm looking forward to future films with him.

New Shirts

I thought my trip to Hanoi would be a good opportunity to have a few items of clothing made up for me, as tailoring is very popular in Vietnam. I think I mentioned that I have a favourite shirt, which I wanted to have copied and made up in a couple different colours and fabrics (as the original retailer of these shirts is in the UK, and to have them sent to me here would probably cost me about $100 a pop, given the shipping, taxes, and customs duties).

So I took one of the shirts with me to Hanoi, and while there I bought some fabric - off-white and hot pink cotton, and dark red linen. My friend Thao recommended a tailor and I left my order with her, since she was too busy to make all three shirts during the week I was there.

This week, two new Vietnamese trainees for our project arrived here for a three-month stay. As one of these trainees is from Hanoi, I'd arranged for her to pick up the shirts when they were ready and bring them with her to Halifax. I'm absolutely delighted with the result. They are faultlessly sewn, and fit just the way I expected. Of course, the next test will be to run them through the washing machine - but so far, I'm well pleased.

The fact that these complicated garments, which surely took hours of work, only cost US $3.30 each to make, is shocking. Given that most of the clothing sold in North America and Europe is made in the Far East, under similar conditions, it really gives me pause for thought. Someone is making a packet out of clothing manufacture - but it sure as hell ain't the people doing the cutting-out and sewing. God bless globalisation and the capitalist system.

First Night

Whew. Well, I'm happy to report that tonight's class went quite well, all things considered.

My delivery wasn't too bad, and was timed perfectly. And the students were a surprise - quite keen compared to the Brits I taught before (though those were first-years...but still). They were very punctual and we actually got started on time. And during the break, they even asked me questions! (I'm more used to being stared at blankly.) They're bold too - one of them asked me to talk about my background. Cheek. ;-)

Granted, they all looked pretty wiped out by the time 9.30 pm rolled around...but hell, so was I. I'm surprised they were as attentive as they were, given the length of the class and the late hour.

Good stuff all around. Really looking forward to seeing what the next few weeks bring.

Course Starting

My course begins this Tuesday evening. This afternoon, I did another run-through of my lecture, just to time it and fine-tune a few things. Took an hour and a half - I was aiming for two hours, but I flew through the first half. So I think if I slow down the delivery, I should be fine - not to mention the fact that I'll want to spend a few minutes at the start of the class talking about course requirements, etc., as well as getting a sense of the students' background.

But man, I'm exhausted after all that. By the time I finished the lecture, I was weary, dry, and feeling a bit light-headed. If it was that bad for me, how will the students fare?!?!

Poor kids.

Britain Pays Up

Well, that's one way of getting your house in order and starting off the new year prudently. I was surprised to read on Saturday that this past week, Britain made its final repayments to the US and Canada for its Second World War-era loans (see "Sixty years on, we finally pay for the war"). I thought those loans had been paid decades ago. The financing related to matériel supplied under the Lend-Lease Agreement for the war effort itself, as well as massive loans made after the war to pay for the reconstruction of Britain.

I remember learning about the American Lend-Lease programme as an undergraduate, but in typical Canadian fashion, I never learned that our government loaned so much money to the European allies after the war. Canada apparently loaned $1.2 billion US to Britain - even with the low rate of interest (2%), over 56 years the repayment totalled just over $2 billion US.

That's a staggering amount of money - and the fact that Canada and the US were in a financial position to loan so much is a sobering illustration of how the mightiest continent in history was brought to its knees by that war.